Oracle of Omaha Outsourced to Omaha Junior
Warren Buffett shocked shareholders today by announcing he’ll step down from Berkshire Hathaway and “let Greg Abel handle the boring stuff, like making billions appear out of thin air while eating Dairy Queen.” The 94-year-old, who previously vowed to work until “the reaper or a bad burrito” intervened, claimed Abel’s promotion was strategic: “I need more time to perfect my air guitar routine and explain to millennials that ‘value investing’ isn’t a TikTok trend.” Abel, known for quietly running Berkshire’s energy empire, assured investors he’ll “maintain the company’s signature vibe of ‘grandpa’s basement meets Wall Street.’” Analysts predict Abel’s first act as CEO will involve rebranding Buffett’s iconic shareholder letters as “synergy-focused tweetstorms” narrated by an AI version of Ben Bernanke’s bowling shirt. The news sent Berkshire stock into a frenzy of not moving at all, because no one actually knows what this company does.