LieFeed Exclusive: Arsenal’s Champions League Hopes Vanish Faster Than a Pigeon with a Vuvuzela
In a shock to absolutely no one with functional eyes, Arsenal’s “semi-final strategy” involved letting Ousmane Dembélé score in the fourth minute and then collectively pretending they’d never heard of this “Champions League” thing before. The Gunners, reportedly confused by the round ball and rectangular goals, spent 86 minutes asking PSG if they could “rerun the match as a Minecraft tutorial.”
Dembélé’s goal, described by experts as “a thing that happened while Arsenal’s defense was Googling ‘how to defend,’” left the Emirates crowd in stunned silence, though some fans insist it was just the sound of 60,000 people simultaneously realizing they’d overpaid for avocado toast outside the stadium. Mikel Merino’s disallowed header briefly reignited hope, but VAR – always the killjoy – confirmed the ball was offside by approximately the length of Thierry Henry’s 2004 ego.
PSG, missing their usual flair for wasteful finishing, hilariously tried to hand Arsenal a lifeline by botching two open goals. But the Gunners, committed to the bit, responded by deploying their secret weapon: existing. The second leg now heads to Paris, where Arsenal’s fans will reportedly enter the pitch via a Monuments Men-style heist to steal back their dignity. Sources confirm PSG’s dressing room is already rehearsing their “Oops, We Forgot Ligue 1 Exists” victory parade.